Do Yourself This One Big Favor

The Frugal Person's Dream Purchase

I'm frugal. People I'm close to like to make fun of me for it. But despite this reputation, there are a few things I would never bat an eye to buy. The item at the top of my list is sure to turn some heads, but you're going to have to trust me on this one; I promise it's life-changing.

This one item isn't anything big or luxurious, and it isn't even very expensive (although I'm sure there are luxury versions out there). It's a product that I've used every single day since I brought it home and installed it. What is this mysterious and wonderful device?

It's a bidet. Basically, it's a sprinkler for cleaning your bum when you go to the washroom. How on Earth is that so revolutionary? Isn't it gross? Don't you get all wet and drippy? Isn't it expensive? I will gladly answer all of these questions with intense enthusiasm because I simply can't recommend these things enough. Bidets are one of very few things I can think of that are win-win-win.

Why is a bidet so revolutionary?

A bidet (usually) connects to your toilet in a really simple and low-tech way, diverting the water supply to spray your tush with nice, clean water. So, after doing your business, all you have to do is turn a single knob to regulate the water pressure. The water cleans everything up surprisingly well, and leaves you feeling squeaky clean. All that's left to do is use a bit of toilet paper to dry up once you're done. This saves my household quite a bit of toilet paper!

The water-blasting approach to post-poop purification is way, way, way more hygienic than smearing stuff around with toilet paper. The first time I heard the following argument I was sold: imagine you got a big chunk of feces smeared on your arm, or neck, or face. Would you grab some dry toilet paper and scrub the poop until you can't really see it anymore? Probably not. At the very least you would want to use some water, not only because it helps bind to the fecal particles for easier removal, but also because it helps to prevent irritation and dryness.

In fact, preventing irritation is  one of the biggest factors for me. I used to have a sensitive butt and pain wasn't uncommon for me when wiping. Dry toilet paper greatly exacerbated the problem. My bidet leaves me feeling cleaner than ever without any sort of discomfort whatsoever. Having to wipe "the usual way" when I visit other places feels like an enormous step back; it's dissatisfying to say the least, and this may be the only downside to having a bidet: we get used to the luxury of having one.

Knowing me, you know that I can't write this article without talking about the frugal aspect of owning a bidet. As I mentioned, we use about a third of the toilet paper that we used to use, since we no longer have to wipe and wipe ad-nauseam for particularly messy "events". Toilet paper isn't that cheap, and since having moved out West, my fiancee and I have used only 12 rolls. Since it's been about 5 months, that means we're using about 1.2 rolls per month each. Not bad! Not to mention the fact that I've been working from home for 2 months, and I sometimes use toilet paper to wipe the bathroom counter and other little messes.

The only time I can see any issues with using a bidet are in drought conditions where stringent water conservation is necessary. There are plenty of arguments online stating that bidets actually use significantly less water than is used to create the toilet paper in the first place, but the comparison isn't so simple and it does not account for the amount of water that is reused by the paper mills (among other things).

Take Aways

Bidets are a wonder of plumbing and a sure-fire way to revolutionize your home bathroom experience. Save your heiny, save some money, and feel clean as a whistle without any of the usual dry wiping discomfort. I'll leave you with this words of wisdom (you know it's wise when it rhymes!):

When toilet paper's not enough

Dry and painful, very rough

It's time for change and time for more

And hope lies at a nearby store!

Be brave for now

Rein in your fear

I promise you will shed a tear

For you will feel such raw delight

When whistling water washes clear

And drying paper comes out white

You'll know that online guy was right

Go get yourself a new bidet

Install it right and true

Have some class

And spray your ass

The very next time you poo